Mid-life crisis or am I just waking up to what's important?
So, I am a forty-something mum of two little girls and admittedly I have been through a pretty tough divorce and overhaul of my entire life in the last three years but what I wasn't prepared for was the awakening to the fact that I want more from life.
I am a notorious over-thinker to start with but I have a huge capacity for not dealing with the BIG stuff and just going down a rabbit hole over insignificant stuff. But this is different, this feeling I can't shake and even though I have got my life back to some semblance of normality, I just feel like there must be something more. Something that I am missing. Are we really just here to work, pay bills and die?
I was left after the divorce in a bit of a dire financial situation and having not worked for 6 years I had to look at finding ways back into the working world that worked around my children. It all seemed so simple but the thought of going back to a job where I just go through the motions and then come home to my girls seemed so mundane. Perhaps I am looking for God? Perhaps I need more spirituality? Perhaps I just need to be more grateful? I just don't know. All I do know is that I need purpose and just being a mum and bringing in the bacon isn't purposeful enough for me.
The stresses and strains of life as a Gen X woman seem to weigh so heavily on me. I don't want to go and buy a sports car and find a younger man (although I'm not far off of that!). I want to find my purpose in life. I want to believe that there is more to it. I want to find out soon because at the moment I feel like life is passing me by whilst I race on a hamster wheel, spinning plates to keep up with it.
I also don't think that it's just me. So many friends that I speak to seem to be going through the same experience. I am so grateful to be a woman in this generation where the world is pretty much our oyster but with that comes a pressure to be everything to everyone. As a single mum I do have to be everything to everyone and in a way I wish that I could go back to a simple life with defined roles...man: hunter gatherer; woman: homemaker. At least that way our jobs were less complicated and our roles were dictated. I am sure that there are feminists out there screaming right now and preparing an onslaught of insults that I could even consider it. But in reality I wouldn't be happy as a homemaker unless that was my 'thing' which for many it is so please don't take that the wrong way.
I am trying a new experiment which I have entitled "styling my best life". I decide how I want to live my life, who I want to be and how to live intentionally with purpose and keep my fingers crossed that I will be able to pay the bills. If it works then I will literally be living the dream. I am giving myself 6 months to achieve it. 6 months to see if I can make my life work again and feel joyful and fulfilled in the everyday. I can't even begin to think about failure. I have to believe that it will work.
I would really value your feedback if you have experienced anything along these lines! I know that Oprah has so I think that I am relatively normal!
Wishing you a happy and fulfilled life wherever you are.